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Words of wisdom:
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| Oh how I missed this old blog of mine... |
| 02.15.05 (7:17 am) [edit] |
All of my best memories and some of my worst memories are on this blog. Its like part of me or something so now that I have alot to say I think its best said on my old reliable blog.
So it was V-day yesterday and I had a nice time with a friend of mine (Stephanie) Ashley told me she didnt want me to think about how things were a year ago because she didnt want it to make my day worse. But I couldnt help it. I thought about it alot. Hell I wanted to. Now that I'm single I need to make some choices and my choice was to remember all the good I had with a girl that turned my life around when I needed it. It was such a happy story and I'd like to think that story wont end until the day both of our lives are over. If theres one person I want to know when I'm even old and grey its her. Love dude,it can fuck you up but it can do a world of good as well. Yeah were split up right now but I still think about her. More than I even tell her. I'm gonna think about her together or not. Thats life...thats love.
OMFG dude I've been thinking about like WAY long ago when we first got together and I broke up with her because I was "confused" and shit. I did some stupid things man. I made more mistakes than I wanna admit to. Karma...bad fucking karma. Thats what it is. Back when she needed me most I wasnt around. I never took the time to call her. Hell one time she tried to call me and I was at another girl's house. This girl felt nothing but love for me and I did nothing but push her away. She saved my life when we first met but I pushed her away and now I know how it feels. All I can say is how sorry I am and hope things will fix themselves soon because I miss her and I love her so much. I just wanna take back everything I did wrong. I wanna fix how aggro I got towards the time we broke up. I wanna go back in time beat the fuck outta myself and be everything she ever needed. I was so stupid. I'd kill for her to love me like she did back then again.
Its funny how things turn out sometimes. Although I feel really bad about all of this I do know that this break will be the best thing for our relationship in the futre but when we get back together I swear things will never get fucked up again. Not on my part anyway. I just wanna be happy and I wanna make her happy. I wanna see her and get those butterflies again. For so long every time I saw her felt like the first time all over again. All I want in this world is to feel that again. Theres been amillion girls like Steph that have walked in and out of my life but there has only been one girl like Ash. Nobody makes me feel the things she does. I was with somebody else for three years even befre Ash only to find out I didnt even know the first thing about being in love. Ash taught me what love is and made me fall further and further into it everyday and just between you and I Mr. Blog she still does.
Theres not a day that goes by that the words "please take me back" arent thought. I dont say them to her and I wont for a while. I keep so much from her its not even funny. She has no idea what I think about half the time because I just dont say it. I dont even know if I should say it. I dont want her to turn her back on me. I dont wanna become just a memory to her so I just wanna give her the space she needs but it hurts and it hurts like hell. I dont know what to do. I dont even know which way to turn lately. I cant be alone anymore. What do you do when your prayers arent answered? Where do you turn then? When your friends dont understand,and your mother is deathly ill and anyone else is too stuck up their own asshole to even try to give a fuck about how you feel. You're alone...without a prayer in this world. Nobody truly knows you but...well you except the one you love but as I said above you cant tell her. You cant let her know you need her. All you can do is cry but crying gets so old your tear ducts dry up. Then you slowly start to think to yourself. "So this is what rock bottom feels like" Death,drugs,alchahol,and self inflicted pain seem to be the only solution but you cant turn to them. Theyre like an old friend I'm too afraid to talk to again.
Its like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle. A cycle that drains me more and more as each day goes by. The words "its going to be okay" only seem like a fable to me now but all I want is somebody to talk to,spmebody that understands,somebody I can look in the eyes and tell them I love you with all my heart. Theres one thing for damn sure. I wont give up on her. I'll wait no matter how hard,or how painful,and lonely it is because I would travel to the depths of hell for her so in a non literal way thats exactly what I'm doing. My whole world can crumble around me. I dont care but I wont let that crumble with it. If only I could just say that to her but I wont. She'll never even know these thoughts went through my complicated head because I....just cant.
Whoever said love dosent hurt...is a jackass. I have to go. My head hurts from thinking too much. But I'm gonna post in this blog whenever I have something long and meaninful to say from now on.
later days,
~Corey
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Draw this darkness out like poison. Stab,retrieve,again decline. Help me drive the dagger deeper trace with me explicit line. Take this blade,a test of faith and strike me deep and true. I put all my trust in you...
This is my monkey! I shall name him Frank and he shall be mine!
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My love were meant to be like a raging fire that's burning free. My vision is blurry so I close my eyes and I see you here with me...
What else can I say? I love her.
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