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Words of wisdom:
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| still frustrated... |
| 10.29.04 (9:58 pm) [edit] |
It's been two weeks but i still havent told her. I dunno how to say it. what will she say? What will she do? I just wish I knew how to get it off my chest. she needs to know. I know ere not together right now but she needs to know. It has nothing to do whith another chick so dont think that but I cant say it online. No one but Ash needs to know this right now.
I hope it all works out for the best. It's just bugging the hell outta me and I have to tell her now. It's half the reason this breakup is so crazy. It came at a horrible time...right after what I need to say. what luck...OI
Well I need to go think and shit...
bye,
Corey
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| Gah I'm so frustrated!!! |
| 10.28.04 (8:59 pm) [edit] |
Ok this is my "I'm sorry everyone lets try to get along" post so pay CLOSE attention lol....
Jenn, you first cuz you and I seem to collide alot. I'm sorry that you dont understand me. Not many people do. You do know that I care about her and you do know that I love her. I'm glad you see that. it's not easy to know that the way this is affecting me is also affecting her the same way. I want her to be happy but I wanna be happy too. so for now her and I are stepping away from eachother for the better of things. If you and I do the same it will all work out in the end..I hope. I commented on your post so yeah you havean idea on how I feel.
Afton, I have said it before. I dont know the first thing about you. I only know what I have read and what Ash has told me. I have no problems with you other than you think somehow this is all my fault. It's just as hard on me as it is on her and any of you believe me. I'll pretend we never even clashed and put it behind me if you can do the same.
Brandi (mom), yer awesome. I thank you for listening to Ashley. It means more to me than you know. You didnt have to listen to her or show that youre really concerned but since I pm'ed you about how I feel you have been more than you have to be to both of us. I love you for that. My real mom has never been this patient with things such as this. Thank you...thank you so much.
Ash, I dunno why this had to happen between us but it did happen and all I can do is give you some space and hope we make it through. We both made promises and I'm sure we both intend to keep them. Until the time comes to really see what happens I'll be here waiting. I'll be waiting for you to come back...waiting to help you whenever you need it. I'm here any time...no matter how hard it may be for me to do I will still help with whatever I can possibly do. i love you more than I can even say. I miss you and care for you so much it's unreal. Do whatever it is you need to do right now. I support that. I'll do anything in the world for you. I swear I will.
Well thats about all for now. Good luck everyone with whatever you do. No more fighting. No more stress. If theres nothing nice to say I suggest we dont say anything at all. I'm sorry for how outstandingly crazy I have been lately but you all...well most of you understand why...hopefully. Maybe in time things will fix themselves. Until that time comes lets just do our best to be cival. Thats all I have to say...
goodnight,
~Corey
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| I'm out of subjects for now... |
| 10.27.04 (8:14 pm) [edit] |
To all of you who say its my fault. (you know who you are) To all of you who seem to think less of me because I give a fuck still. You have no heart. You have no spine. Am i supposed to just give up? is that what you want? I never give up on someone I care about. I'll give her what is is she wants but I'm NOT gonna take the blame for the way I react to something that breaks my heart. I'm not gonna let you call me the bad guy because I love her. If you cant understand how I feel then dont even talk about me. You dont give a shit how I feel. You dont know me so dont judge me. I'm not gonna apoligize for loving someone. Thats not my fault. i cant help that and if you dont care enough to walk a day in my shoes stay the fuck outta my way and dont even think about saying my name. especially one who I have even stayed up at night talking to about all of her little problems. I have taken the time to listen to you. I have a heart and I do care but i dont think you do nor do I think you ever will. Post in your little blog. i dont care anymore. Live your life. I'm not a part of it so do what you want ok? I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me but thats NOT my fault. Go get aggro with someone else and if you cant show alittle compassion as I have for you just dont even talk about me. I dont dislike you or anything like that and I have done nothing to you but try to be a friend.
Ash, I'm sorry about that little outburst but i cant take this. I made you a promise but I wont take people talking shit about me. they dont know me. My friends dont talk about you. thats just fucking childish but i dont blame you for that.
a song for Blaze
"Hollow"
What’s left inside him?
Don’t he remember us?
Can’t he believe me?
We seemed like bothers
Talked for hours last month
About what we wanna be
I sit now with his hand in mine
But I know he can’t feel...
No one knows
What’s done is done
It’s as if he were dead
I’m close with his mother
And she cries endlessly
Lord how we miss him
At least what’s remembered
It’s so important to make best friends in life
But it’s hard when my friend sits with blank expressions
No one knows
What’s done is done
It’s as if he were dead
He as hollow as I alone now
He as hollow as I alone
A shell of my friend
Just flesh and bone
There’s no soul
He sees no love
I shake my fists at skies above
Mad at god
He as hollow as I converse
I wish he’d waken from this curse
Hear my words before it’s through
I want to come in after you
My best friend
He as hollow as I alone
~Corey
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| What have I become? |
| 10.27.04 (12:39 am) [edit] |
Ya ever had one of those nights where you just sit back and think and reflect and just wonder how things have gone so wrong? Have you ever sat back and wondered how you have become this much of a failure? Or how you screwed up the best thing you had? Well thats about my night tonight.
I found out about Ashleys other blog and I read something that made me want to end it all again. Something that made life not worth living anymore. She talked about dating another guy. I'm not an idiot. I knew there was something going on but she lied to me. She flat out lied to me. She has with someone else what she had with me and I'm not sure how I'm gonna recover from that. All the drugs in the world cant fix this. This pain is fucking real and i dont think it'll cease until its drained me of every bit of hapiness and dignity I have left. She cant do this to me. I know she wants to be free from this commitment right now but it's already killed me. Inside I'm about as dead as dead gets. No more can I actually smile. no more can I think about the passion we had. no more can I imagine her face and be happy. I lost it all. I'll never let myself love again. For as long as I live love is dead. I only love one and if she dosent come back to me noone else will ever have my heart. I cant trust anyone. I cant get hurt again.
I've been reading all of our old blog posts and letters she wrote me. God everything was so perfect. Then time went by and things happend. I started getting jealous and little by little I started having problems with everything she did. If I cant trust her then I shouldnt be with her. The point is I did trust her but for some reason I still felt that jealousy and burning anger everytime she was around those who caused the problems. I was what I hated most. I cant believe it came to that. I once made Ashley so happy and she loved me as much as i love her but I drove her further and further away every day. Now I'm so diffrent then the guy she met at the House of Shock. I'm a totally diffrent person. Not a good diffrent either.
I mean we used to have the sweetest convos that made me cry and she was the one who saved me from a stupid decision. I admit suicide is the way of the weak. I've never denied that. Before I met Ashley I had friggin groupies who only saw a musician with money. I thought at one time that was all that I was about but then this girl came along and saw things in me I didnt even know existed. She saw a heart.a soul and she brought out a side of me that I never wouldve thought was there. I loved who I was when it came to her. i used to look forward to my day ending so I could read the msg's from the girl I was slowly starting to fall for. I started having thoughts and feelings running through me that I never expierienced before. I felt passion...something I never even thought of before. yeah I'm a loser FUCK OFF but sex and passion were never something I thought about. Hell I never even kissed a girl before Ashley. But when I heard from her I was just so happy. Nothing couldve brought me down. nothing couldve made me feel anything but love for this girl. then I saw a pic of her. I was like :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: This girl is HOTT!!! Then my mom saw the pic and she was like "marry her" lol She wasnt serious by the way. But I found myself looking at her picture thinking about everything I had though about with her before but now I knew how beautiful she really is. All I wanted in the world was a girl like her by my side and she felt the same way. We fell for eachother and nothing could change that...not even the distance between us.
Then about a month after that I asked her out and she said yes. I was all smiles that whole day and night. Infact I went to HOS that night and they told me I was acying too happy for their comfort :lol: Then about a week or so after that I saw her in person for the first time. We went to the side where the show was so we could watch it. The truth is neither one of us watched the show. We made eye contact the whole time. Then the show was over and it was time for me to go. I told her I would pm her that night I hugged her and told her I love her and I started to walk away. I knew what I wanted to do so I finally said "I have to" in my head then I kissed her. It was the first time I ever kissed someone on the lips before. I got weak in the knees and I wanted to collapse but I played it off like I was all cool...like I really am lol But I walked away and I thought about it all night when I was supposed to be ookie spooky but I was just a happy perky lovestruck dork.
Things were like that for a long time. everytime we got together there were butterflies. I remember when I first went to her house so I could meet her parents. I got there and Ashleys mom went somewhere to do something I dont remember what then Ash went to her room and she came back and gave me this letter she wrote. I'll never forget the letter. I read it all the time. It made me cry right there in front of Ash. Then she came over and sat in my lap and we kissed mmmmm that was awesome. Then her mom came back and we went to run some errands with her. i guess it was odd leaving her daughter at the house alone with a guy she didnt know but I had too much respect for Ash to try something sexual then. Then after that we went to the mall over there and we walked around and sat on this bench and cuddled and talked and then we saw the guy who did that thing to her. i was gonna run up on him and break his face but Ashley wanted to walk away so I listened. what can I say I love her. So we called her parents and then they came and picked us up. This was when I met her dad. We got in the car and someone cut him off on the road and he screamed "YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER" then right after that he turned around and shook my hand and said "hi I'm Gary" I almost died laughing it was funny. Ashley looked so embarrased but it was ok. i like her dad. hes a funny dude lol That whole night was crazy and awesome at the same time.Then it was time for me to leave and once I got home I thought about her all night. I was the happiest guy in the world that day.
We had alot of awesome times like that. Then there was V-day. She came over to my casa and i gave her her stuff I got her. Thats when I gave her "Mr Pimp" My mom and I were supposed to go to the stor to buy some dress shoes for that night (my dads wedding) I didnt wanna go cuz I wanted to hang out with Ash. So my mom and Grandma went for me. So me and Ash are all alone and we were all kissy kissy and before I knew it we were alittle closer than kissy kissy. Then it got really hot in the room and we were really reall close. Sorry I'm not blunt lol But time felt like it stopped and all I could hear was how hard our hearts were beating and how good it all felt. It felt so...right. That was my first time with a girl ever. It was awesome. I'll never forget it. She was so beautiful that day like shes ever not but you know what I mean. Then once my mom got back from the store we dressed all up. Ash looked so pretty in her lil outfit she had on. I dressed up in my suit and we went to the wedding. The wedding sucked. I saw my dad buy heroine from this dude. Then once it was time for Ash to leave my dad agreed to take her to meet her parents halfway and he was loaded. I was so worried. Not about me but Ashley. he almost killed us. I was praying to get there so Ash could get out of the car with him. Finally we got there and Ash got out and I helped her get her stuff in her dads car and she told me to call her the second I got home. We kissed and said goodnight. My dad went in the store we stopped at so he could go in the bathroom and shoot up. He came back out and we left. the whole way home he swerved and almost drove off the side of the interstate. I was scared for my life but I was so glad Ash was safe. I got home and I ran to the bathroom and saw my food again. Then I called Ashley and I talked to her. she got off the phone with her friend to talk to me. I felt so special. She made me feel so amazing when she told me it was all gonna be ok. For some reason whenever she tells me that it is ok..it ends up that way. It never failed. So once again there was a terrible night but Ashley came to my rescue.
There was a point to those stories. Those were the happiest days of my life even though nothing went right her and I always did ok. hell I wasnt in a band anymore and had no money at all but Ashley was still there. shes not like the girls I know. Shes everything to me. When I had nothing to make me smile I had her. She made me smile just by the little things she did. She didnt spend money on me or do crazy things that are just WHOA but she did her job and made me happier than I have ever been. Thats what I see when I think of her and thats why I went out and bought her a ring that symbolized so much for her birthday. It was the perfect way to say thatnk you and I love you.
When I think of how wrong this has been lately I just break down and start to cry. I hate this. I hate how things are. I just want those days back. if I could turn back time and not meet Ash so that I wouldnt have to feel the pain of right now I still wouldnt do it. I love these memories. I love the part of me that still loves her.
See without Ashley I'm lost...I'm nothing. I dont know how to be this guy that loves life without her. I dont want death. I want life...I want life with her. Things would be the best again if we got back together. I would never let myself get lost like that again. I would let her know everyday that I apreciate her and that I love her. I would be there for her as she has always been there for me. Some how I just found the perfect way to let out how I feel. This is it. My every though and feeling. This is where I stand each day and this is what I feel from the time I wake up to the time I lay my head to sleep. Ashley if were just friends theres no way we could be happy with eachother. theres no way we could keep it up. This is how I feel and that cant change.
Now shes lost touch of her feelings and her faith in this. Now I'm left here without Ashley. I'm left here without my girlfriend,my heart,my soul,my best friend,and the only one who knows me like noone else in this world. This is what I have been trying to say all along. This is the bush I have been beating around. I'll give her the time she needs still but if we dont get back together I just dunno if I can take that. Without all of this (the stories) I cant be happy. Youre all I have to be happy about. I dont want to lose that. Ashley I lied to you earlier. This is why I love you. I knew it all along but I hesitated to let it out. Yer my everything and that just wont change. I just want to try to make this right again when the time comes. If it dosent work out then it wasnt meant to be but I just want to see if we really are meant to be and if God himself really did bring us together.
This is like way too long so i'm gonna go now. Im gonna stick to my promise I made you Ash. I cant promise you that I wont do it eventually but know that I will try for you...as long as you keep your promise to try to fix this in a few weeks after our step back is done. You said you would do anything for me just as I have said that to you. Now is the time for both of us to see if that is true. I think we both deserve to know what would happen.
chao bella,
~Corey
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| I'm giving up just like everyone else... |
| 10.25.04 (9:46 pm) [edit] |
My friend has given up on his life. Ashley has given up on us. So now I give up on it all. I give up on feelings. i give up on trying. I just quit. See I was the strong one. i was the one who always tried to make things better but everyone else just quits.
I'm not worth anything to anyone. She says she loves me one day and then the next she dosent want this. But then theres the word "love" and I have no choice but to sit here in pain and wait for her. someone who will prolly never come back to me.
Once upon a time,I was happy. I was in love with the girl of my dreams...she left me...I'm left all alone with the pain...ALONE......
the end
goodbye everyone you wont be hearing from me again. i can promise you that...
~Corey
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| OMFG!!! |
| 10.25.04 (8:36 pm) [edit] |
FUCK!! Why me? Why always me? Now I have something else to add to my list of things that are fucking with my head. Thats it...no more. I'm not dealing with any more pain.
No matter what I do the people I love always end up leaving somehow....someway. I cant go into details right now. I can barely type. My hands are shakey and I cant see. I'll update later.....
bye,
:cry: Corey :cry:
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| -_- -_- -_- |
| 10.25.04 (7:54 pm) [edit] |
Hey people guess what? I still hate my miserable life!! Isnt that something?
I cant do this anymore. I have to do it. i know I wont do it now but I still have to do it. I cant live my life this way. I cant be depressed. it has to end. I have to be happy again if I'm gonna stay. I have to be at peace again. Why cant you see that? Why cant any of you just understand that I dont wanna live my life in pain. I've been there done that bought the t-shirt wore that son of a bitch out. I'm tired of that. So here I am thinking about it again. It sucks. i dont like it but it's all I have other than the thought of "her" but the thought of her only makes me feel abandoned. Noone ever loves me and sticks around. They all turn their backs on me but so far she hasnt up until recently.
Nobody be mad at this post. i had to get it out so that I wont do what everyone dosent want me to do. Yeah it's for all of you and even for "her". Once again I live mt pitiful life to serve everyone else. I dont care what happens to me. i dont care if I dont wake up tomorrow but you all seem to. i dont know why but you do. I'm nothing to worry about. I only fuck up. I always fuck up. *sigh* I just want to talk to Ashley right now. She always makes me feel better. I feel so loved whenever she is around. thats all i want. I just want to be loved in the way that only she has loved me. Nobody else can give me what I need. Nobody else can look at me the way she does. nobody else can completely hypnotize me just with a kiss. Nobody else can make me feel secure just by telling me it's all going to be ok but she can. Thats why I cant live this way anymore. I feel like this even now. I should never want to talk to her again but I still feel so strong for her. I still love her with every inch of me inside and out. I would still do anything for her. If she cried for help I would be the first to be there cuz I love her that much. I would be the first to catch her before she falls cuz thats how special she is to me.
Ok I just needed to get that out. Not that my feelings matter. I'm used to that. before Ashley they didnt matter so I guess its back to that. (correct me if I'm wrong) I just dont know what to say. I wish I knew what to do. I hate my life. I hate all of this.
goodbye,
~Corey
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| Sunday night...oh prasie the lord! |
| 10.25.04 (4:23 am) [edit] |
Tonight sucked my ASS! I have a headache and even my fucking eyebrows hurt..I aint kidding! They seriously fucking hurt! This was a tiring night...and so was last night URGH I need sleep but I still cant really sleep at night.
I guess I'll update on my life status now.I still ahvent heard from Ashley. i dunno whats going on there. It all started when I told her I wanted to kill myself. I only told her cuz she's the one that I can talk to about stuff like that. shes the one who stopped me before. I thought she could stop me this time too. She did but I havent heard from her since. I wish she would talk to me. I want to give her her space though. She needs to clear her head I'm sure. She is worth the wait I may have to go through. She is worth every bit of pain. She is worth every bit of disappointment. I'm trying so hard to get through this. I'm trying to be strong for her. I know it dosent help when I freak out. I just love her so much.
I know I get kinda crazy at times when i talk about her and maybe that scares her. I dont mean for it to scare her. Its just how I feel. i feel so strongly for her its just nuts! I cant do anything without thinking about her. It was like that even when we were together. I always felt that way. That just cant change. I always think about all the stuff we did together and I think about the convos we had and everything we said to eachother. It was so awesome. I loved it. i dont think she knew how amazing it was to me. Every time I heard her voice on the other end of the phone I got chills going up my back and butterflies in my stomach. I want that again so bad it makes me freakin NUTS! I cant think of anything else in the world I want then to be with Ashley. What we had was priceless. I could never have with anyone else what I had with her. That kind of love is once in a lifetime.
But I'll be here waiting for her cuz thats all my heart tells me to do. She said she wants a few weeks so I guess thats what she'll get. I just hope she talks to me. I'm lost without her. I'm sure you all noticed. i dont know my left from my right. I'm a mess but I'm actually glad we ended this for now cuz i had alot of time to think about what needs to be diffrent and what needs to change for the better for both of us. maybe thats what we both needed all along. just a break to straighten this all out. Yeah I know thats all we need. in time we will make it through. I have faith in this. Something like this cant just end. Its much too strong for that. Even if it did end there would be many more twists and turns before it ends. I just miss her and it hurts. Shes the best. Even when were not together the thought of her makes me smile underneath all the pain.
I guess I'll give this the time it needs though but if I dont hear from her soon its gonna drive me insane!
~Corey
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| my night and my life... |
| 10.23.04 (5:00 am) [edit] |
I had an ok night considering how I feel. I went to HOS and we had a pretty good night in the Church. I dont really feel like talking much about that but i made a few people cry lol. that part was awesome.
I was talking to my friends. And we were talking about dating and stuff like that and I brought up the point on how I dont feel like I am much to look at and I'm not anything special and everyone freaked out and told me like every positive point about myself. but if theres so much positive why did I lose her? It feels good to know that people would think so highly of me and all but Jesus I just feel like shit.
Ashley still hasnt talked to me...other than that "newbie" comment. She forgot to sign off and when I went to reply it said "reply to lostsoul" But I dunno. I know she cares but maybe shes scared or mad or maybe worse. i dunno what to say or do or feel or anything. i miss her terribly. I miss talking to her online. I miss her voice. i miss everything about her. I just wish she would talk to me. I need her so much. theres so much i wanna say and do. theres so much i need to tell her. Theres so much she dosent know No not bad things. But i dunno I just wish she would talk to me. I cant do this. I cant handle this right now if ever.
If I dont get an email from her tomorrow I dunno what I'll do but i do know that I'll be hurt bad. Ash if you read this...just know that I love you and I'm sorry for alla this. i dont care about what happend. i can put that behind me. i only care about fixing this and making it better again like I know we can do. thats all that matters to me right now. I can still give you the time I promised you and we can still take our time apart but please atleast talk to me on HOS like we promised to do.
I need to go to sleep (if I can) I'll post again tomorrow.
~Corey
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| another weekend...see the eunthusiasm hooray! |
| 10.22.04 (3:58 pm) [edit] |
Tonight Im going to HOS. Yeah another weekend. Im ready for it though. Its the only escape I have right now from everything. It'll be good to see mom too. I wanna look her in the face and tell her how sorry I am for all of this. She is oneof those people who just dosent deserve to be dragged through this with me but I feel like I have done just that.
Well yeah Im ready for tonight. I just hope Ash emails me by the time I get back. I miss her. I miss her so much :cry:
Well I'm outta here. I gotta go with a friend to buy some beer and stuff.
~Corey
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| wow,where do I start... |
| 10.22.04 (6:29 am) [edit] |
I have another lil journal online that only like two people know about and I posted something really bad. It was about suicide. I seem to be thinking about that alot lately but then theres brandi (mom) and she has been someone I have looked up to since this whole thing with me and Ash has happend. Anyways here was her reply...
"Hey you....
I don't have to tell you how much you are loved. Not just by me, but other people. Let's see. How many people would be upset if Corey blew his brains out?
Ashley, Brandi, Crystal, Corey's MOM, Larry, Gage, Brandon, Injun Mike, Blaine, Blaine's Ashley, Ross, Melissa, Nicolle, and I am sure there are many others.
My point is, did you see the first name I listed. She is extremely upset that you are considering doing the "unthinkable". She told me you had a gun, she told me there was no one else, she told me that he was just a friend, she told me she cares about you so much, she told me she had no idea what had happened to sink you so low again.
As I am helpless to help you, I am helpless to help her. I wish you strength, that's all I wish.
If you were stronger then you would be able to cope. I can't make you strong, I can't make you not do something. I wish I could.
All I can do is cry with Ashley, should you do something totally unfixable. Once you go, we can't get you back. If you loved us, if you loved her as much as you claim, then you will find the strength to keep going.
I'm getting preachy, again. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to push you away. Obviously, we were raised differently. I was taught that suicide was a coward's way out. Someone too weak to keep fighting. I was also told it was the most selfish, most meanest thing that I could ever do to my mother.
I loved her too much to go through with it. Plus, I was scared. Still am. I fear death. I don't want to die. As hard as life is, I don't want to find out what happens next.
I hope you keep thinking instead of pulling the trigger. You won't be so cute in that coffin."
Now I know that Ash is lying about Dane. i know she has been seeing him as more than a friend. I know that for a fact but seeing that she still cares. seeing that she does still love me makes that forgivable. I know her and I can work this out. I just want to work it out before I do something stupid and hurt everyone I care about. i love you mom. I really really do. My real mom dosent even have this level of my trust and respect. Brandi,Ashley,Brandon....everyone who cares I am so sorry. i dont want this. i dont want to be weak but I am. i cant help that. ashley was my greatest strength and now that she is gone she is my greatest weakness. All I want in this life is to be with her and make her happy. I can do that. i know I can but i just wish to god she would just forget about this other guy and help fix this with me. I love her so much it's unreal. I would do anything for Ashley...anything in the world. why cant she see that? Why cant she just see how important she is to me. She wont even talk to me. Im starting to feel like she is slipping away from me. Thats what makes me want to do the unspeakable. I cant live with that pain. I cant live without her. That may sound a bit crzy but its so true it hurts.
I'm sorry everyone. I dunno what else to do or say. I just know what it is that I need to get better and thats all that will do it.
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| To my mother.... |
| 10.21.04 (12:06 am) [edit] |
Mom I know you wont read this. I know you dont even know the addy to my blog but I have to say this. We havent had the best relationship lately but in these past two days we have done everything together. You were there for me tonight when I broke down and started crying really bad in front of hundreds of people at the palaces lobby. You havent held me like that since I was like five. I dunno what to do mom. I'm 18 years old and I absolutely know what I want for my life. i know the direction I want to go in but it's falling through my fingers.
You were so proud when I brought Ash home and let you meet her. Th efirst girl you ever liked I lost. I feel like I failed her and you. You two were the best girls in my life. I always said I didnt have one great chick but two. My mom and Ashley. My mom used to be my best friend. Now that I have that again it feels awesome. I love it but you know I love her. you saw it. now that you know how I really feel about Ashley you also know why I have been so depressed. You see why I havent eaten in two weeks. You see why I have been so loaded every time I get home from HOS. You see why I want to go to the hospital. I know it hurt for you to walk in on me holding my gun and just looking at it. I know it hurts to see your own son like this but mom I dunno what else to do. i just want to die. The other day you told me you were proud of what I have become. the olny reason I am who I am is because of Ash. she brought out a side of me I didnt even know I had but without her I just dont know how to be that again. I lost her and I lost myself. i dunno even who I am. I want to make you proud of me but I just cant. If I do end up dead or a veggietable from doing something stupid just know that I still love you and you did your best. it was my fault. you always tried to be a good mother. Maybe I'm just a bad son. If I end up with Ashley again you will be proud of me again. I'll only be the best I can be. My God I just dunno whats going to happen but I love you mom. I love you so much for being there when dad wasnt. I love you for being more of a woman than you really are and physically pulling him off of me when he was beating me up when I was six years old. I love you for trying your hardest to keep me from bein just like him. You were alwas more than you ever were expected to be and I DO appreciate everything you do.
I love you mom so much. I have to make you proud again. I have to get my life back. I have to get my heart in this again. I cant let you down again. i cant let Ash down either.
~Corey
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| i thought i was getting happier.... |
| 10.20.04 (4:08 pm) [edit] |
I guess I lied to myself. Sure that side that was gone is sorta back now but still I dunno what to do. I'm still depressed. I cried until I fell asleep last night because I love her and I miss her but I know whats going on. I know theres someone else. I know she still loves me but then again theres someone else. Oh well it's not like I havent made mistakes too. Someday maybe we can talk about them. I just hope she knows that no matter what he could never love her or care for her like I do. He could never think of her as much as I do because shes on my mind every waking moment. I'm still thinking about "you know" That thing that noone wants me to do cuz they love me...yeah i still wanna do it. I'm not scared. The only thing holding me back is her.
I just wish something would happen so I'm not at a stand still anymore. What do I do? I love her but I dont know what to do about it. :cry: I dont think im gonna be ok again untill I have her back by my side. I'm off to think about the unspoken again.....
~Corey
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| sup people... |
| 10.19.04 (10:38 pm) [edit] |
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whats up eveyone? I just wanted to let tblog know Im alive and all. Im still going through alot. me and Ash still arent exactly together. Were still taking some time to ourselves and taking a breather. I guess you can say still broken up. Theres a good side to alla this though. Today I went to the mall with my mom like I used to do. Shes become my friend again. I really do love my mom. We were talking about me and Ash alot but still she feels like a friend to me. I told her that me and Ash are taking a few weeks to breathe and then were gonna do our best to work things out between us. My mom was happy with that. she really likes Ashley. she's the first girl i have ever brought home that my mom likes...go figure. But anyways for the time being Ash and I are talking through the H.O.S msg board through pm's. thats how we met so i figured if were gonan try to fix things thats the best way for us to talk right now. So far so good. our first msg's to eachother were kinda nice. Anyways the reason im so happy right now is when me and my mom were at the mall I ran into a kid I used to teach karate to. His name is Sean and his dad used to beat him so I used to favour Sean like a little brother. The little brother I never had. Sean got so big. I cant believe I missed out on that. see I quit that job months back and I regret it. I love those kids. i realized that when Sean almost squeezed th elife outta me with a hug and begged me to come back. im coming back lil bro. See after I quit that job i kinda lost all my money and my self respect. I forgot who I was. i forgot what I stood for. Alot of that made me think of Ashley and how much of a change she has had to see in me over thses past months. I'm back. The old me is back. i care about people again. i feel passion again. I like who I was then and thats who ash loved. not who I am now. I still need Ashley. I'm nothing without my babydoll and I cant wait until we talk and be "us" again so she can see this side of me again. I know its gonna help things. I'm still moving to Hammond in a few months and Im getting my car this weekend so the distance between us is never gonna be too far again. i just cant wait to do the things with her I always wanted to do. There is so much I never got to do with her. I hope to God we can work this through. This means more to me than even the kids I so love to teach. As long as I have her from now on I'll never forget who I am again...that is my promse. Before I go I want to thank my friend crystal (foreveralone) She has been really sweet to me and she has cared alot. She makes me feel like i good person again and thats helping me through this in more ways than she could ever know. Thank you girl. You have been an awesome friend. *hugs* and then theres Brandon and Brandi at HOS that have been great too. Thank you guys and Brandon yer my brother man. I dont know what I would do without you guys. later friends, ~Corey
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| one year with the best.... |
| 10.17.04 (7:02 pm) [edit] |
This isnt the day to be depressed. This is a day where I should think about Ash and me together. This is the day where I should just forget everything so that I can smile for once. I love Ashley so much. I love everything about her. She used to make me feel so amazing. When I think of it it still feels amazing. It gives me chills. Shes so beautiful. Shes so sweet. Shes so perfect for me. At times I can just sit back and imagine her beside me and even feel her touch. When I sleep at night I dream the best dreams ever of her. I dont tell her enough how special she is therefore she just prolly dosent know but Ashley is my everything. I used to be her everything but for today Im gonna pretend that were just as happy together as ever.
I would give anything to feel her touch and her kiss and to go visit our star named George. These are the memories I have. I have no childhood memories. I have to past happiness. I only have what I remember with Ashley...the love of my life. So many good times we had together. It was the best. I had a girlfriend which I absolutely love. I had a best friend who I could always talk to and just let know how I feel. I had someone who genuinely thought I ME was a good person. I never felt that for a girl before. Physicality no included here...she made me feel like the happiest guy on this planet. Shes one of those girls that only comes around once in your life and you dont realize how important she is until shes gone. I'm so stupid. I just should have been there more. I should have told her how special she is every day. I felt it and I always thought about it but I was always so stressed out underneath it it screwed everything up. I said some bad things to her. Whenever she wanted to get off the phone all I said is "whatever" Towards the end it was crazy. We never really got into it but we came close a few times there.
But no matter what happens. that is the girl I met at HOS who I shared my life with,who I opened up to. My first real love....my first kiss...as far as Im concerned ashley is my one and only...forever. I would wait until the world ends for her because no other will do. No one can make me smile like she can. Noone can make me feel in my heart that everythings ok but she can. Shes lost that faith for now but my God I still feel it every day. I would sell my soul just to have one more chance with this girl. Noone knows just how happy of a person she has made me. I dont even think she knows that. Ashley...yer still the center of my universe. I would still give my life to save yours. Youre the only one who has ever believed in a guy like me and you just cant take that away. I know somewhere inside you you still feel what I'm saying to you. Just know that to me yer the most beautiful girl in the world.
theres so much I wanna tell you. but I cant now. I have to go.
I love you Ashley...my babydoll forever.....
~Corey
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| not a good night.... |
| 10.16.04 (4:59 am) [edit] |
fuck this night! fuck how i felt! fuck everyone who just wanted to keep talking about it. I just wanted to be left alone. Thats why I only really told two people. I just want to be alone in my misery. Let me be and let me live my life. I cant help what I have to do to feel better. I have to feel better. I cant live this way. I'm so tired of being depressed its disgusting. I just want to have what makes me smile. What makes me feel comfortable...I just wabt to be happily in love again. Im in love but not happy. I just wish we would hurry up and fix this so that things can be back to normal but better. I miss everything....Man this sucks.
I....gotta go do some.....stuff and go get some sleep (if I can)
later days MOTHAFUCKAS!!
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| Destiny,if you read my blog this is for you... |
| 10.14.04 (10:52 pm) [edit] |
You denied it but I still think it was you. Destiny I was 13 and stupid. How could you still want me after all this time. i'm 18 and so diffrent it aint funny. You were dating me before I grew fucking pubes!!! Ok maybe not that far back but I mean thats before I knew what love was. Thats before I knew how it felt to only want that special someone and only that special someone. I appreciate you having my back and maybe caring for me but you need to stop this. You didnt need to say that stuff you said to Ash. Yeah she was wrong and YES I'm mad at her for it but i still love her. i would never hit her. Shes not a bitch. Shes just going through some issues. Most of which are my fault. Yes Destiny I still make mistakes....big ones. But Ash is the one that makes me better just like you said. Shes the only one I can be with. Shes the only one I want. No other girls want me anyway. I'm just a fuckup and aint too pretty either.
I know you said it wasnt you that emailed me and Ash but I dunno. Just know that you dont need to protect me. I can take care of myself...you know that.
take care of yourself girl,
~Corey
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| I am turning so fucking emo and its pissing me off! |
| 10.14.04 (3:33 am) [edit] |
I really need my blog right now. I cant be alone. I've been up looking at me and Ashleys pictures together at the mall photo booth thing. Once I saw the one of us kissing the tears started rolling down my face and I got like crazy fucking upset. I havent cried this much ever. I dont cry too much to begin with. But this time is by far the worst. I love Ash so much. I wish she knew how much. I wish she knew how I feel when I think of her. I wish she could feel whats inside me right now. My heart is slowly breaking again and I feel like I have to deal with this once again. I find myself almost wanting to beg her to stay by my side but I cant. I have to let her be for now. I have to give her space but all I wanna do is drown her in so much love that she wouldnt know what to do with it all. I dont give too many details about our relationship usually but when we kiss I feel it through my body...everywhere. When I touch her skin I feel so warm. When I hold her I feel like someone needs me. When we look into eachothers eyes I see everything that makes me strong. I just know that everythings ok when our eyes meet.
But how am I supposed to feel now? How can I make this right? i know I have to. I just have to show her that shes all I have and nothing else even appeals to me. I only wanna be with Ashley. She probably wont read this. I hope she dosent. I dont want her to see how I feel right now. I only wanna make her happy and right now what makes her happy is stepping away from me for a little while. It hurts....it burns and it freezes at the same time but I have to be strong for her. I have to let her heal alittle. I still have faith and I still have hope. Where theres a broken heart and not too much of a will to carry on theres still hope and faith and more love than ever before.
Theres something that I need to tell Ash. Theres something I lied to her about. It's been on my mind alot lately. Its not bad. I never cheated on her and its not drug related or anything but it's something I see as good and its half the reason I love her so much. But she never knew this. She wouldve wanted to know but I was too dumb to tell the truth. If only she knew......maybe I'll tell her but right now I doubt it. I just wish she knew.
I got into it with my dad tonight again. He told me he wishes I wouldve never been born and he was glad he wasnt there for me growing up. Then when I got off the phone with him me and my mom got into it about me not eating. It's been three days since I've eaten anything. And my Grandma died today. Is this Gods way of punishing me for what I've done? Is it what I do at HOS? Is it the music I listen to? Is it that you have some plan for me to fail....ANSWER ME!! Where are you God almighty? Where are you when my world is crumbling? Why cant you just let me be happy? Why cant I just smile again? Why does everyone leave me? No matter how hard I try...no matter how much I have with a person friend,family,or even girlfriend they leave me all alone. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe I'm a certain card in God's little deck and I have to fall before I can prosper. I do know that I dont wanna wait around to find out. If youre really up there help me.....please.
........i need to be alone now
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| Fuck Sunday I wanna post now.... |
| 10.13.04 (6:55 pm) [edit] |
First I wanna start off with Ashley. We've both been feeling ultra negative about our relationship lately but the diffrence is where she has lost faith for right now and wants to take it easy I wanna stay together and work this out like I know we can. I cant make her feel the way I do and I she cant make me feel the way she does so the only way that we can both kinda get what we want is for now her and I are taking a sorta break. See theres a diffrence between a break and a breakup. Were taking a break as in were not really broken up but not so hardcore into a relationship. We still love eachother and are still "in love" as well but maybe this will help in the long run. I know in my heart it will. I know what I have to do. i know I cant be so weird with Ash like I have been when we've been talking. I have to show her just how much she is loved and appreciated. And even though lately it dosent seem like I appreciate her I really really do. So right now were gonna place the piecies to the puzzle and try to fix this whole thing between us. Theres another situation that happend. Its kinda over now. I wont talk about it exactly but Ash lied to me about something and she has now admitted to it. I forgive her as long as it dosent happen again. I love ya babydoll!
Last night I went out to New Orleans and these three black dudes on bikes tried to mug us. The key word there is "TRIED" First off they had no guns (dumbasses) So we threw down and we fucked them up so bad it was pathetic. That made me feel alittle better. Beating someones ass always releases stress. I walked outta that with a busted lip but them........lol nuff said. My friend stole one of their bikes too :lol:
I started smoking weed again last night. I smoked like an ounce between me and my friends. there were three of us. Thats alotta pot. I'm not happy about it though. it only made me feel worse. I quit for Ash and I think I'm done with it. I love her. I dont wanna hurt her so I wont do it again. But when I got home I got really depressed and I sat down and wrote a suicide note. It felt good to get out how I feel and to let all of my tears out. I hate being like this. I miss the times I had with Ash when we were happy and when we smiled. Wow I'm depressed again. We have to work this out. Shes too special to me.
Pray for us people. I love her too much for this to end. I hope this all ends fast. I just need peace in my life. I cant go through another breakup. Another Marina deal would......lets not go there yet.
Well I'm off. God bless,and take care everyone....
~Corey
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| a post before Sunday... |
| 10.12.04 (5:20 am) [edit] |
I'm up late. I cant sleep. Its 4:15 in the fucking morning and I havent eaten yesterday at all. I'm shaking I'm so hungry but if I eat I'll throw up. I'm really tired but if I try to sleep I'll toss and turn. Some people wont really enjoy reading this but right now I would love to take out my gun a splatter my brains all over the wall. To just be able to not feel what I'm feeling right now would be great. I've been crying so much my tear ducts are dry. I've been writing so much my hands are bruised and I've been pulling my own hair so long my head hurts. Yeah Im a dumbass and all that but I cant help but feel this way. If you were me you'd feel the same way.
I've really realized today that I've been mean and kinda a bad boyfriend when it comes to Ashley. She deserves someone better. I cant be mad at her for whats going on. I wont say exactly everything I want to right now but soon I will. Well in about six days actually. So I'll be gone until then tblog. Get used to me not being around cuz I dunno how much I'll be on here anymore. i just dont have the strength or the will to do much at this point. All I know is that I love her and thats all that I care to think about right now. I'm in love and it hurts.
What do you do when you love someone so much but theres so much threatning to tear you apart? How do you get through something like that. I got throught Marina but that was because I had Ash to help me.
I might as well say it. Me and Ash are prolly gonna break up soon. I hope to god not but were just not exactly doing good right now. I love her and if we make it through our relationship will be better. Cuz now I realize just how much has been going wrong. I cant lose her. If I lose her I'll die...I just dont know what else to say.
Sunday is our one year anniversery so we've decided to stay together and see what happens then. I love her so much. i know I say that alot but I really really do. Pray for me...no pray for "us" people.
I love you all,
~Corey :cry:
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| what am I supposed to do now? |
| 10.11.04 (11:34 pm) [edit] |
I cant say whats wrong with me until another post,which will be after this weekend but I'm so hurt and just lost right now that I dunno what to do.
My life has been going ok I guess but today it all came crashing down. Im at a lower low than ever. Well until after this weekend......
To be continued....
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| Ash,this is just for you baby... |
| 10.11.04 (2:54 am) [edit] |
I just read your blog and it made me really sad. I dunno why someone as wonderful as you has to feel that way. i hope its not because of me. i want us to be so much better than what we've been. The way we were way back when was so great. We can have that again if we try. I still feel the same way about you as I did then and I hope to God you feel the same way.
You know that feeling you get when you see really mushy and sweet shows on TV and when you see people make up or hug or something nice like that? I feel like that every time I think of you. i want to be with you all of my days and I'll never feel diffrent. Yer my best friend,not just my g/f and you know that. I'd never wanna screw up our relationship. I only wanna make it the best its ever been.
Sunday baby...a week away we'll be together for a year and my promise to you is that I will do my very best to make our relationship as awesome and "pimp" as it was when we first got together. God Ashley you just dont know how much I love you and how much yer on my mind. I cant do anything without thinking of you and thats because yer all I want in this world. Everything I could ever ask for has been stuffed into you and brought to life as the perfect girl for me. I really mean that. I only want you and to see you smile and to know that our love burns as hot as fire.
So whatever is going on in your head lets try and fix it like old times. :) Lets make our relationship so great that we smile all the time. Lets show our love like never before. Are you up for that? I'm really up for it. And I say we really do it this time.
I love you...more than you could ever imagine babydoll,
~Corey
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| when does it end.... |
| 10.08.04 (11:47 pm) [edit] |
Friday,today the HOS was closed and I went over to Lannies house and we chilled a little while. The bad part of the night is that I havent talked to Ash all day and night and I have a terrible feeling about it.
I dont wanna talk much on here cuz my head hurts. I just hope that everythings gonna be ok in my relationship from now on.
I love you Ash...
~Corey
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| I'm a douche cookie... |
| 10.06.04 (10:00 pm) [edit] |
Ive had way too much sleep lately. I wanna get a job after October so that I can go back to school. Im really really sick of just sitting around all day. College was fun. I felt like I was important in my family. I just had a great sense of pride. Now I just feel like nobody.
I think that is taking away from my relationship with Ash. I just dont feel as good as I did when I first met her. Thats not her fault at all. My life just fell into a ditch. Shes the only thing thats kept it going halfway good. I love her for that. I cant believe that not this but next Sunday I will have been with her for a whole year of my lfe. A year filled with great things,terrible things but most of all a year filled with more love than I could ever imagine. This girl has been so great to me. Shes been my saviour,my heart,and my best friend.
Tonight she told me something. It involved another guy. It wasnt that big of a deal. Actually it wasnt a big deal at all. I dont really wanna go into details but me being me....and a Scorpio I got alittle jealous. I hate that side of me. Im not mad at Ashley or the guy but I just dont like guys touching my girl. Anything I would do I dont believe they need to do ya know?? Please tell me if Im being alittle too rediculious. Like I said I hate feeling that way but I cant help it. It makes our relationship less amazing and i cant stand that. I wish I could just stop feeling like that but I just cant. Ash,its not your fault. I trust you babydoll...more than I have ever trusted anyone. I need help or something. I need to talk to Rick about that.(Rick is my shrink btw) YES I see a shrink. If you lived my life you would too so if you got something not so nice to say about it fuck off buttwhore!! HAHA that was fun.
ANYWAYS...maybe if I figure this all out it'll get better. Maybe then Ash and I can finally just be happy and nothing else. I hope my life goes up from here cuz if it fell any further into Hell I dunno what I would do. I need money,self confidence,security,and a car lol Can anyone help out? j/k Im sure after this October things will get better. Yeah...Im sure of it.
Well Ima head off....
peace mofos
~Corey
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| Opening weekend, my life..etc... |
| 10.03.04 (5:28 am) [edit] |
We opened up at H.O.S and so far so good but Im tired as Hell and I got blisters on my feet from the boots I wear...blah
Anyways Friday, I went to HOS,scared people,hung out with a few members of Three Days Grace (a band whos pretty big right now and they were at HOS that night)and just did...shit I dunno lol
Nah I did the stage show. Thats a big stage act we do at HOS with alot of pyro. Steve Joseph (who works with the band Nickleback and formally Pantera) can do some crazy shit with Pyro. I got to preach on the microphone in my room (the Church) and to me thats kinda an honor to do. Come to find out Im going to be doing that every time Larry's voice is shot..which is like every hour or so. Hell I could go all night lol But it's cool. I did it tonight the last crowd that went through and it was fun. Someone cried,I got a guy to say " fuck you Satan worshiper" (I replied by saying Fuck your mother) everyone who worked in the church had my back and was playing along quite nicely. All and all this year is turning out to be a fun one.
My girlfriend...well thats going good I guess. We havent talked much cuz ive been at HOS and havent had a phone to call her at breaks and shes been out all weekend too. I think we both understand and trust eachother enough to get through alla this. But our relationship is gonna get better. Weve talked about it and Im sure that we can make it through. *pst* Mr blog you wanna know a secret??? The whole time I was at HOS I thought of her. I swear I just cant do anything without thinking of her...I like it that way. Im happy I miss her when she not around. Cuz I know just how much I love her. Its all so real and perfect. And when we get together words cant even describe how amazing things are. Those points right there are the ones that help me to believe that were gonna make it through. And whenever we have a little problem she tells me she dosent wanna lose me and that things will be better. Thats the same way I feel and it great to know she feels that way. I love you babydoll!
Well I believe this is long enough. I believe it was Ghandi that once said this.....
FUCK OFF NOSEY BITCHES!!!! Uhhh nope that was just me!! HAHAHA!!! Ok I was joking people...Im sorry :D But Im still gonna go now.
Peace!
~Corey
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| Tomorrow Tommorrow I'll make you piss your pants TOMORROW!! |
| 10.01.04 (3:06 am) [edit] |
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We open tomorrow mofuckas!!!
Have A Big Satan Sandwich!!!!
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Draw this darkness out like poison. Stab,retrieve,again decline. Help me drive the dagger deeper trace with me explicit line. Take this blade,a test of faith and strike me deep and true. I put all my trust in you...
This is my monkey! I shall name him Frank and he shall be mine!
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My love were meant to be like a raging fire that's burning free. My vision is blurry so I close my eyes and I see you here with me...
What else can I say? I love her.
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