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Words of wisdom:
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| its hopeless,i was pissed off. i swore i wouldnt let it get to me but i cant help it. |
| 03.20.05 (11:02 pm) [edit] |
Well she did it again. She lied,broke my heart,and every promise shes ever made me. She fell in love with someone else and replaced me. It hurts so bad. It fucking makes me sick. Shes such a bitch. And even crazier she's gotten physical with this other guy. I've lost her. I have to move on. I know I do but its gonna be hard. shes the only one I've ever let in that way but now its all over. Ashley,I hate you....no i dont....but I wish I did. How could you do this? Why? Why lie about it? I wish you wouldve never pm'ed me that first time. I wish I never would've met you. You ever hear the phrase "Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"?? Of course you have but the only way it applys to me is if its put "i'd rather love and lose it all than ever have you to recall"
This is tough dude. I can barley type. *sigh* I think I might have to get away for a while...go somewhere new...away from everybody. Maybe go up to Michigan to see my Crystal. That would make me smile. So far shes been the only one that I can honestly say would never break my heart. Shes the realist person I know. Sometimes....well more than sometimes I wish I could make her my own. But shes so far away. Maybe I'll just move. Anywheres better than here. Fuck Louisiana and the bitches in it. Its about time that a nice/genuine guy like me found the girl hes been looking for.
I so shouldve known Ash was too pretty to be so pretty inside. I shouldve never let myself fall in love again. Fuck it,fuck her,fuck everything.
~Corey
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| Oh how I missed this old blog of mine... |
| 02.15.05 (7:17 am) [edit] |
All of my best memories and some of my worst memories are on this blog. Its like part of me or something so now that I have alot to say I think its best said on my old reliable blog.
So it was V-day yesterday and I had a nice time with a friend of mine (Stephanie) Ashley told me she didnt want me to think about how things were a year ago because she didnt want it to make my day worse. But I couldnt help it. I thought about it alot. Hell I wanted to. Now that I'm single I need to make some choices and my choice was to remember all the good I had with a girl that turned my life around when I needed it. It was such a happy story and I'd like to think that story wont end until the day both of our lives are over. If theres one person I want to know when I'm even old and grey its her. Love dude,it can fuck you up but it can do a world of good as well. Yeah were split up right now but I still think about her. More than I even tell her. I'm gonna think about her together or not. Thats life...thats love.
OMFG dude I've been thinking about like WAY long ago when we first got together and I broke up with her because I was "confused" and shit. I did some stupid things man. I made more mistakes than I wanna admit to. Karma...bad fucking karma. Thats what it is. Back when she needed me most I wasnt around. I never took the time to call her. Hell one time she tried to call me and I was at another girl's house. This girl felt nothing but love for me and I did nothing but push her away. She saved my life when we first met but I pushed her away and now I know how it feels. All I can say is how sorry I am and hope things will fix themselves soon because I miss her and I love her so much. I just wanna take back everything I did wrong. I wanna fix how aggro I got towards the time we broke up. I wanna go back in time beat the fuck outta myself and be everything she ever needed. I was so stupid. I'd kill for her to love me like she did back then again.
Its funny how things turn out sometimes. Although I feel really bad about all of this I do know that this break will be the best thing for our relationship in the futre but when we get back together I swear things will never get fucked up again. Not on my part anyway. I just wanna be happy and I wanna make her happy. I wanna see her and get those butterflies again. For so long every time I saw her felt like the first time all over again. All I want in this world is to feel that again. Theres been amillion girls like Steph that have walked in and out of my life but there has only been one girl like Ash. Nobody makes me feel the things she does. I was with somebody else for three years even befre Ash only to find out I didnt even know the first thing about being in love. Ash taught me what love is and made me fall further and further into it everyday and just between you and I Mr. Blog she still does.
Theres not a day that goes by that the words "please take me back" arent thought. I dont say them to her and I wont for a while. I keep so much from her its not even funny. She has no idea what I think about half the time because I just dont say it. I dont even know if I should say it. I dont want her to turn her back on me. I dont wanna become just a memory to her so I just wanna give her the space she needs but it hurts and it hurts like hell. I dont know what to do. I dont even know which way to turn lately. I cant be alone anymore. What do you do when your prayers arent answered? Where do you turn then? When your friends dont understand,and your mother is deathly ill and anyone else is too stuck up their own asshole to even try to give a fuck about how you feel. You're alone...without a prayer in this world. Nobody truly knows you but...well you except the one you love but as I said above you cant tell her. You cant let her know you need her. All you can do is cry but crying gets so old your tear ducts dry up. Then you slowly start to think to yourself. "So this is what rock bottom feels like" Death,drugs,alchahol,and self inflicted pain seem to be the only solution but you cant turn to them. Theyre like an old friend I'm too afraid to talk to again.
Its like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle. A cycle that drains me more and more as each day goes by. The words "its going to be okay" only seem like a fable to me now but all I want is somebody to talk to,spmebody that understands,somebody I can look in the eyes and tell them I love you with all my heart. Theres one thing for damn sure. I wont give up on her. I'll wait no matter how hard,or how painful,and lonely it is because I would travel to the depths of hell for her so in a non literal way thats exactly what I'm doing. My whole world can crumble around me. I dont care but I wont let that crumble with it. If only I could just say that to her but I wont. She'll never even know these thoughts went through my complicated head because I....just cant.
Whoever said love dosent hurt...is a jackass. I have to go. My head hurts from thinking too much. But I'm gonna post in this blog whenever I have something long and meaninful to say from now on.
later days,
~Corey
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| the link to my new blog... |
| 01.26.05 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
hey everybody,for those of you who dont know i have a new blog now. i didnt want certain people reading it but now i dont give a shit because i have nothing to hide. fuck the crazy bitch that was stalking me and Tyna. I say it public. My new link is coreystigmata.tblog.com
Well now you all know where to find me.
chao,
Corey
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| another song i decided to jot down (Corey) |
| 12.08.04 (11:19 am) [edit] |
"Paper Wings"
One last thing I beg you please just before you go
I've watched you fly on paper wings halfway round the world
Until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down
landed somewhere far from here with no one else around
to catch you falling down
and I'm looking at you now
and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I
"Swing for the fences son" he must have told you once
that was a conversation you took nothing from
so raise your glass now and celebrate exactly what you've done
just put off another day of knowing where you're from
catch up with yourself if you run...
and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I
is this the life that you lead?
or the life that's lead for you?
will you take the road that's been laid out before you
will we cross pathes somewhere else tonight? somewhere else tonight...
and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I
[x2]
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| ok ok just one more song lol.... |
| 11.30.04 (9:00 pm) [edit] |
"Dancing For Rain"
were losing daylight but i cant work any faster.
under the veil of dust we go on
dont close your eyes.
what if it all disapears in the shadows?
now reach for the stars
if i held my ground would you ask me to change
this drought bleeds on now were dancing for rain
we drink the air but its still not the same
these worlds colide but the distance remains
we point the finger, never accept the blame and i know.. i know
let's go!
the waters come but the fire still rages on here
the men all shrugged their shoulders and left
we sleep so sound in rooms just up the stairs
will you save us like you saved them?
if i held my ground would you ask me to change
this drought bleeds on now were dancing for rain
we drink the air but its still not the same
these worlds colide but the distance remains
we point the finger, never accept the blame and i know.. i know
you've let me try but i'm still breathing
i swear i'm sucking dry the sky
and you wont ever find us kneeling
or swollowing your lies
if i held my ground would you ask me to change
this drought bleeds on now were dancing for rain
we drink the air but its still not the same
these worlds colide but the distance remains
we point the finger, never accept the blame, and i know.. i know
this drought bleeds on... this drought bleeds on.
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| Another song.... |
| 11.30.04 (8:51 pm) [edit] |
"Swing Life Away"
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
I've been here so long, I think that its time to move
The winters so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
Swing life away [x4]
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| "Broken and Bleeding" |
| 11.29.04 (6:56 pm) [edit] |
this is my bands new song...
"Broken and Bleeding"
What if you woke up one morning and found out that she was untrue? Although I try so hard not to,I find myself thinking of you...
Broken and Bleeding!...
[chorus]
Please Come back. back to the days when I cared. back when we thought this could be repaired...
I remember the day that she left me. When she told me she was untrue. I cut myself over and over that day all in the name of love that I'll never feel again...
Broken and Bleeding!....
[chorus]
How could you be so selfish,so fake. You said that I couldnt relate but I tried and I've cried but I can never confide IN YOU!
YOU SAID THAT ITS OK. YOU SAID IT WOULD NEVER BE THIS WAY. HEARING YOUR VOICE I GOT MY FIX BUT NOW I ONLY FEEL WHEN THE NEEDLE STICKS....
[chorus]
Please come back. back to the days that you cared. back to when it could be repaired. Promises then are now forgotten. Why am I still breathing....
BROKEN AND BLEEDING!
lyrics by me!
Sorry to anyone that may offend...
~Corey
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| fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... |
| 11.29.04 (5:44 pm) [edit] |
see above ^ You all want to know how I feel right now? I feel like a large neelde has pierced my chest cavity. I feel like i swallowed a cup of bleach. Out of all the people in this world why my mother? It couldve happend to anyone. Oh great lord why must you take away everything that means something to me? I will be completely alone soon and theres nothing I can do but cry and suck it in. What have I done to deserve all of this? I cant be alone. I cant do this. Kill me now. I promise I wont feel the bullet. All I feel is empty and cold. Please let it all end God. Just take me now and end this. I have made promises and I cant do it myself so take me now...please.
~Corey
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| headaches are a bitch! |
| 11.28.04 (5:35 pm) [edit] |
practice sucked. i only made it to one and we just didnt have it tonight. We just need work I guess. We sorta finished our song. sounds good but my part needs alot of work and I have to quit smoking so I can sound better when I scream. Not much else going on besides being in a bad mood so Ima go.
later peeps,
~Corey
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| "Life Less Frightening" |
| 11.28.04 (8:28 am) [edit] |
Suffering from something we're not sure of
In a world there is no cure for
These lives we live test negative for happiness
Flat line, no pulse, but eyes open
Single file like soldiers on a mission
If theres no war outside our heads
Why are we losing?
[Chorus: x2]
I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
for a life less frightening, a life less frightening
Hang me out to dry I'm soaking
With the sins of knowing
What's gone wrong but doing nothing I still run
time again I have found myself stuttering
Foundations pulled out from under me
This breath is wasted on them all
will someone answer me
[Chorus x2]
Is there a God tonight?
up in the sky or is it empty just like me (Just like me)
A place where we can hide out from the night
Where you are all I see (Where you are all I see)
So all he says, Goodbye, and close your eyes
Tell me what you see (Tell me what you see)
A life I sit inside this dream of mine
where you are all I see
[Chorus x2]
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| The Chloroforms and Captain Obvious |
| 11.28.04 (6:14 am) [edit] |
I am taking on alot when it comes to music. Today I have practice with the Chloroforms and then later on tonight with my other band Captain Obvious. Then prolly like monday with Control Issue. So thats three bands kiddies and its fun as hell but im a busy dude. I like it though.
Damn I miss REALLY posting. i wanna say some things so bad but I know its not the time or place yet. Give it some time I guess. I just need time. I have to figure myself out and I have to know what is to become of a few issues.
Well I'll tty mofos lata,
~Corey
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| how band practice went.... |
| 11.26.04 (10:54 pm) [edit] |
I wasnt at the top of my game tonight but at times I did good :D We wrote a song. Its starts off slow with this awesome guitar riff and I start singing all soft and shit and then I start screaming and it starts rocking out. Its badass!! Right now were calling it "nipples" because Brandon claims I have big nipples *shrugs* That kid is so weird :lol: Gotta love him though. The song lyrics might tell you all alot about how I feel. its actually about my current feelings and the situation lately. Its not done yet though so ima wait to post it till then. Im very pleased with this song though. We practice again Sunday. Were gonna write some harder songs then. I have alot of ideas.
I also talked to Andrew tonight at the mall. Were gonan get together soon as well. Control Issue Rocks! Its gonna be awesome. Control Issues,Day 640,and Persona Five need to play some shows together. Those three bands would rock in the same show. Im so excited about my music! thats about all I will tell yall right now. i found something that makes me happy at times. Music takes me away. Its my fav. thing in the world. I <3 music :D >
Wish me luck on finishing the lyrics tonight though yall. Its coming along pretty nicely I think.
goodnight,
~Corey
ps. since I dont really post anything important if any of my tblog friends want to talk to me my AIM sn is CoreyStigmata066.....YIM deathdreams066
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| a kinda short makes no sense post... |
| 11.26.04 (11:46 am) [edit] |
My first practice with my new band The Chloroforms is today if I can get in touch with the other two members of the band. Patronizing capitol Punishment is no more. Now we have a new name and two new members that kick ass.
Vocals:Corey
Drums:Brandon
Bass:Gary
Guitar:Elliot (aka Idiot)
Were writing two songs supposedly and were getting up and going kinda quick so we can play some shows and record in Brandons recording thing hes getting started. I should also be practicing with my other band Control Issue soon as well. I just have to get in touch with my guitarist Andrew. We are also recording under Brandons label. Wish us luck there. My music will be a big part of my life right now. Its kinda important it works out.
Just to let ou guys know I miss posting already. I wanna let all of my stress and all my feelings out. I just cant. I dont know how yet. Theres alot that needs to be settled and talked about first. I'll be posting little stuff like this still so yall still have something to read.
Thanx for reading,
~Corey
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| Why my friend Vulpi is really a silly bastard.... |
| 11.25.04 (12:06 pm) [edit] |
Hes in band called fatter than albert (a ska,reggea,punk band) this song is so funny. i worship it :lol:
"slap"
ha! (rapid gun shot effect) haa!
i hear ya commin around talkin 'bout yer-
hi-ya, kung- pow
ya claim yer a bad muthafucka-
say, but who do you think you are now?
hi- ya kung- pow
but i won't bow down and i wont kow-tow!!(verse repeats)
bridge- now im runnin from these guys-
with their swords and their ninja stars!
runnin for my life-
but they crowd the streets, and they pack the bars!
runnin for my life!
from the swords and these ninja stars-
said im runnin again tonight, yeah!!!
chorus- runnin for my life!!!
from the ninja, tonight!
runnin for my life!!!
from the ninja, tonight!
thats when ya get slapped-
but your a bad muthafucka, im sure you can handle that!
hi-ya kung-pow
so pick yourself up and wipe the sweat off yer brow!
hi-ya kung-pow
your lookin for a fight, but im runnin for home now!(2x as previous verse did)
(repeat bridge, then chorus, then trumpet solo)
yeah...
thats when ya get slapped!
said its time-
right now, right now!!!!
he writes the silliest lyrics ever lol
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| "closure" |
| 11.23.04 (12:22 am) [edit] |
I kinda went off without explanation last time. I left you all hanging. i dont think i explained myself well enough. I am trying so hard to grow up an bit more and worry about me rather than everyone else. I have no time for something that may not come back to me for a while. If it were avalible to me then sure I would love to have it but right now I need to be me. i need to be alone. I have always been Corey and marina,or Ashley and Corey,or Tyna and Corey. theres always been someone else in my corner. If I am to get knocked out I wanna do it on my own. i wanna know for myself what the answer is to my question what if.
So what I give you my friends is this. I am going off by myself for a while. Doing my own thing...whatever that thing is and when i find the answer I will post it the first given chance. You have my undying word on that. I love you all. You have read my blog for almost a year now I guess and I appreciate every kind word,emo swing,fuck you,and even a kick in the ass when i needed it. Thank you all. Even the ones that dont like me and I dont like them....thank you. You will hear from me again. Maybe I'll be a changed person. maybe I'll still be the same ol crazy yet depressed Corey but when all is said and done you will know my fate just as I will. i just have to dissappear for a while.
I may post song lyrics sometimes so you can have some sorta idea on whats going through my head but thats all im gonna do. just do me a favour and stay tuned yall....
I love you all very much. (some more than others) but I love you.
to be continued....
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| Its my birthday today and this is my last post on tblog... |
| 11.21.04 (7:01 am) [edit] |
Yeah last night I had a crazy ass party at my house. I wont even say what went on there. I might get in trouble lol.
So its my birthday but for some reason it dosent feel like it. I mean I know why but I decided I complain too much so tblog I bid you farwell. From now on Im going to keep my emotions bottled up inside like I used to do. Its not really that bad. Its just that nobody else knows whats going on up inside my head. Its better that way. The only person I can trust in the world is me. Thats all I need. Thats where I was before. Thats where I am now.
Before I go for a long while. I just want to write one more thing for Ash,you have been everything to me. You have been my strength and even my weakness. You have done it all. You have made me laugh,cry,smile,frown and hell everything else humaly possible. I love you though. I will always love you. YOu are everything to me. Since I have been through so much with you I know in my heart you are the one for me. I want no other. I'll wait for your promise still and hope it gets here sooner than later. Until then nobody will know whats going on in my head. But its filled with just as much love as it is pain...love for you.
Well tblog its been fun. Lotsa memories here. Good times bad times. Times where I smiled and I was so happy. Other times I just broke down but its been real. thats all that matters. This time i have been a member of tblog has been an eventful time of my life. Now I feel I have grown up more and I just dont need you right now. Its better I just be by myself and not let anything or anybody else in. You will see me again. I will post again just not right now.
Well tblog thank you for being the absolute only one who has ALWAYS listened. Ima miss posting but I have to do this.
until I post again later days,
~Corey
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| Fuckin Jesus Christ Dude!! |
| 11.20.04 (9:17 am) [edit] |
URGH!!!! Why cant she just see that it aint easy for me? She makes it seem like I have this ability to make myself all better without anything to make it that way. She dosent understand. Yeah Im hurt because she's gone but it aint all about her. Theres alot going on in my head. Alot she'll never see unless she takes the time to. she says she cares but then she dosent even talk to me. I talk to her like once in a blue moon and when we do talk its so odd. Ashley when are you gonna see that I need you? When are you gonna understand that you make things better for me? So were not together right now but why in the fuck does that have to change our relationship? You said you dont wanna be one on one with a guy right now but all I want is your love right now.
You said I would have it forever. I wanna believe you. I wanna believe every word you say. I just dont see how I can when all you do is push me away. thats one of the reasons I'm up and down right now. my moods swing like a fucking pre menstral woman. But if you would just talk to me like you used to before we even went out I would be so much happier. I havent changed Ash. I'm still that guy you know from back when. Everyone needs something to get through and it just so happens I need you. I have always needed you. The truth is Ash I know people care about me but the one I want to care about me feels so far away now. Ash I want you to care. I want you to tell me you care. I wanna know you love me. I wanna hear you love me. If I knew that and heard it I would be so much happier. It would be so much easier. All it takes is something little but from you because you have always been the one that can do that to me. Its been like that since your first msg to me. Ash you had me at hello. I dont like the aggro talks. I just want you to be my friend again like you have always been. Is that really so much to ask? Im sorry about my last post and our AIM convo. I wanna feel diffrent so bad. I just wanna be happy again. I guess Ima go now. i have a party to get ready for...
later,
~Corey
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| fuck it... |
| 11.19.04 (10:53 pm) [edit] |
After this weekend fuck it. I give up for many reasons but especially one. I lost it all. I have to have a good time this weekend for my friends. they try so hard but after that like I said I give up. I simply quit. You've won life I'm saying die. Pain take me over. I dont give a fuck anymore. Kill me if I dont do it first...I dont give a fuck. I dont have the will to live anymore. call me weak. call me dramatic. I didnt ask for your opinion anyway. These are my feelings. I have tried so hard and have gotten DICK for it. Fuck it all. I wont even bother to get up in the morning after Sunday is over. I just dont wanna go on. I wont go on unless it gets better. Fuck this life. Fuck being the nice guy. Fuck feelings. FUCK EVERYTHING! I cry too much and now I am dead inside. I cant go on living the way I do. Everything I have ever had has been taken away from me. I hate my dad. I hate some of my friends for what they tell me at times. I hate craving alchahol to get me through. Not that I give in but I hate it. I hate missing her. I hate being in love and being lonely at the same time. I quit.
:cry: goodbye :cry:
~Corey
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| why am I so fucking stupid.... |
| 11.19.04 (12:51 am) [edit] |
The more and more i think of our convo the stupider i feel. Dumbass dumbass dumbass!!! Why must I insist on being so fake to make myself look like something I'm not? It only makes her see me in less light. It makes me look like a totally diffrent person. She knows me for the most part but at times I lied about the stupidest shit. She knows about it all now so the air is sorta clean but I still feel like a jackass. I just hope that when we start over I can be myself more. I dont have to lie to impress her. I have never needed to do that. I knew that but something made me say the things I did but it only wouldve meant were more alike if I wouldve been totally me. We really have alot in common. More than most people who are in love.
We have alot of the same views,feelings about life,sex,love,trust,and yes people even music at times but I'm sucha retard I hid some of that stuff. Her and I just go together like no other couple but I made things seem like we dont in the end. i had no idea things would turn out this way. If I wouldve I wouldve been more of myself. I hope to God I can show her diffrent. All I ask is for that oppurtunity. Things have the potential to be so awesome. I'll be myself around her always now. She loves me and if I dont show her the real me then her love cant be real either. If only she knew how alike we really are it would be so much better. I know it can be. My heart tells me that every day. You dont spend one year with a person without gaining something you dont have with other people. I think she feels that way too but i think it scares her at times. I think I understand alot more tonight than I have any other time in the past but theres nothing to look forward to but hapiness. I understand how she feels but theres no need for it. All she will ever get from me is everything she could ever dream of. My heart tells me to stay here for her so thats what I'll do. I have to wait for the day I can show her what I have wanted to show her this whole time.
We always were awesome together but now that things are a bit diffrent I'm sure it'll be even better than before. I think we needed this time and maybe still do need alittle time to see that. I see things so much clearer now. I cant wait to try this all out and put theory into reality. Things were great before but they got a bit boring. Now that we both know things we didnt know before we can truly be ourselves like 100% and it'll be amazing. I know it can be. I just know it. I need to pray and dream now. Please my love dont feel presured by this. You know if you need more time I will give that to you. I will give you everything you ever need. Thats my promise to you. If you need something from me I will try my very hardest to give that something to you babes. If I didnt make you that promise what kinda guy would I be? Your life belongs to you and all I ask is to be a part of it and that you allow me to make you as happy as I possibly can.
Whoa every time I say im gonna go I have so much more to say lol. Ok Im really going now.
Goodnight everyone and especially to you bella. I love you so very much. Dont ever forget how much I jus want to make you smile. i will...I swear.
~Corey
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| whoa I'm in like 20 bands now lol.... |
| 11.18.04 (5:20 pm) [edit] |
Ok just two MAYBE lol. The singer of Control Issue was kicked out and Pablo told em I would take the spot and he called me a good singer *tear* I feel so appreciated :lol: I dig Control Issue. Its a killa hardcore alternative band. Then theres Patronizing Capitol Punishment which may take a diffrent name. It has been switched around alot but now the lineup may be
Me: lead vocals
Brandon:drums
Saddyah:guitar/backing vocals
Gary/bass
Saddyah is in the band Arcane Theory and gary is in Day 640. Both awesome bands but theyre both juniors in high school lol. talented kids though. If Saddyah wants to sing backup its all set. I think it would be killa. But if he dosent wanna do that I have another lineup and Brandon will be in three bands lol. Poor poor Brandon.
Well as you can see I'm a busy person lately. I just got a callback from WOW for a job. they want me to come in for an interview tomorrow at 11:00. Wish me luck. My friend who works there says Im a hottie and I'll make good tips lol I think not but I'll let her think what she wants. I'll be going to college wherever I decide to go in January. Still dunno what Im gonna do. I'd rather go in Hammond but we all know why that may be hard. I dont care though. if I'm with her or not I have a plan and Ima stick to it. It just might cause stress. I hope not though.
Well I'm off now. I'll post tomorrow.
Chao,
~Corey
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| "the letter" |
| 11.17.04 (12:38 am) [edit] |
besides the pain I am going through I have other stuff on my mind as well. This is a letter from my friend Blaze that I got today. It made me cry. I hope he pulls through. Well anyways here it is....
"Dear Corey,
Man,I dont know why I couldnt have just died. I wish it would have killed me. The pain I put everyone through makes me feel like a complete asshole. Corey you have been the only one that understands. You visit me all the time and the talks we have mean more to me than anything anyone could ever tell me. You are the only friend I have left. everyone else hates me for the mistake I made. I remember when you quit shooting up and me...I just stayed the same ol fuckup. youre the only other that knows the feeling of a true broken home and how cold the streets really are. You are the only other that knows what its like to be starving and alone. You truly know my pain. You have told me so many times to quit. You have begged me even.
Dude I know I let you down. I forgot how much of a friend you really are. I grew up with you. Hell when I needed a place to stay you and your mom and grandparents put me up. So many times you have put up with my bullshit because you care. Why havent you given up on me? Why do you still to this day go out of your way to help me? Your going through so much yourself but you still try your best to help me. Dude without you I wouldnt know what to do. I wish I were like you. I wish I were as kind hearted as you are. Fuck I wish I had a heart. Corey listen to me. That Ashley chick has no idea what she is giving up. You are the coolest and realist motherfucker I know. You are smart,talented,kind hearted,giving,honest to a fault,and so much of a friend. I cant see why a girl would cheat on you and leave you. I know you love her dude but you deserve better than that. Only you know her well enough to pass judgment so I will respect how you feel about her but please know that theres no other guy out there as awesome as you are. Thats why back at home ALL the girls want you. Every chick we know at one time has said they wanna be with you. Ash just dosent know how great of a guy you are but if she truly loves you she will realize that but if she dosent fuck it man you have it all. I wish I could be you at times. I have always been jealous of you. Were family and your my brother but I have always wanted what you have had. I always wanted to be loved and respected. You have it all. She'll see that. That other guy might be cool for all we know but theres no way he is as faithful,honest,and true as you.
Nobody is that I can remember. Dude when I get out of this hellhole I want to be best friends again. I want to have your back just like you have mine. I would take in everything you are going through just so you can get through. I know thats being a bit dramatic but if I could I swear I would. Im going to rehab too. I never wanna look at heroine or any drug as long as I live. Promise you will always be my brother Corey. You are all I have left. My family wont even come to see me. I have to pay these bills myself and I can accept that but I need you dude. I dont care how pussified that sounds. You were my boy since elementary school. Nobody in this world knows me like you do. i wanna clean up but I cant do it alone. Do you have my back? Can our friendship really be fixed? I hope so because without you I wouldnt have pulled through. All the voices begging me to come back when I was in a coma...I only heard yours. Fucked up shit runs through a guys head when he cant move or talk but I could see everything and I saw the look on your face. That look is something I never wanna se again. Its time for a change. Its time to give the drugs up. Im ready to be alive without needing that false hope. When th ehigh fades I only find myself feeling all the pain all over again. You have showed me that. there wouldnt be Blaze without Cash by my side. Real friends like you never go away. You are the best friend anybody could ever have. Where your girl wont tell you that I will.
Theres so much more I want to say to you but I cant write anymore because of this FUCKING IV! So It will have to wait until I can look you in the face next. You have to come to visit me on your b-day. I have something for you. You'll love it homes. Aight I gotta go now this fucking nurse hates me I swear. bitch!
your friend,
Blaze,
ps. yall gonna make me lose my mind up in here up in here!
Dude I dont even know what to say. Blaze I wont leave your side. You are a part of me always. I cant forget these years I have known you. I will be your friend even when you make mistakes. I failed Ashley but Blaze I wont fail you. I wont let you be alone. Fuck your parents. When you get out you have a roof and a bed (or a blanket on the floor again lol) We love you. Me,and my family. My mom cried for you bro. Dont fuck your life up man. You have everything you need right here. Youre just as smart and loving as I am so dont throw that away with that TRASH! Fuck the drugs. You dont need em. I am your friend Blaze. I said it earlier,I WONT fail you or abandon you. i will be there for you as a friend,and a brother. I love ya bro. This shit goes deep. You cant tear this apart. You cant kill 12 years of friendship. I will help you every step of the way. I'm proud of you kid.
NEVER forget that,
~Corey
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| I forgot... |
| 11.15.04 (10:50 pm) [edit] |
I got so upset that I firgot to tell yall about my weekend. So here we go. Brace yerself its kinda funny...
Friday I hung out with Jake and we went to Lannies house and did "illegal things" It was a fun night indeed.
saturday I went with Tyna to the Persona Five show. me and Tyna are cool now just not really "involved" So we heard all the bands play. My friend Joes band Day 640 played a song called "Chicken in my pants" lmao All the bands were really good. P5 did ok but it wasnt horrible like they thought it was. i sang a duet with Pablo lol. I sang the first verse of 1976-0-vision. Everyone kept saying "good job" but I sucked. I was smoking cigarettes all night lol. I couldnt have sounded that good but it was fun. Its our new ritual now. I'm doing it at their show at Cypress Hall on the 25'th Then we went out to Denny's and Dustin was dressed up as a school girl. We got some stares but I thought it was funny as hell. Then we ate and left after coversing for a while. great fun!!
Sunday...uhhh I dont really remember Sunday. Must've been a good night...OH YEAH I hung out with jake and then I went home and seth came and got me and we went out and got drunk and saw seed of chuchy. that movie sucked my ASS!! I met this guy Damien who seems obsessed with killing people. He kept saying he wants to gut my friend jacob because hes fat and skin him and wear him as a hollween costume lol He made me laugh so hard it hurt. That dude was nuts but ya gotta love a homicidal fool like that :lol: Then I went home and the madness ceased.
Well thats about all I have for ya people,
~Corey
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| URGH!!!! |
| 11.15.04 (9:27 pm) [edit] |
I'm so down right now. I think its gonna be permanent. I hope not but right now I feel like it will be. Things just arent ok. I miss smiling. I miss being in love and knowing it'll all be ok because I had that. Love and hapiness has fallen away from me. Why did this have to happen. i hate this emo fucking bullshit. I hate being broken hearted. I wanna give up and end it. I wanna jump out of a ten story building but I had to go and make a promise to the one I love. We have promises to be together again but how long will I be here in pain without smiling again?
Why does it all have to be this way? Why did I have to lose it all. Pablo tells me "only until we have lost everything are we free to do anything" I can understand what that means but I cant feel that way. i want to. I want to just let it all go but I cant. I want to forget all about being in love but it haunts me and wont leave me alone. I dont know how to be myself without "her" I wish I could be independant and not give a fuck but I do give a fuck. I need her and I need to smile again. Life and love are so complicated. I'll never understand either of them.
Since we have broken up everyone wants to date me but something just makes me want to turn them all down. I know what that something is but i just dont know why. She has my loyalty even now but it shouldnt have to be that way. she is seeing someone else so I should too but I just dont want to. URGH!! I wanna open a vein right now I swear to God. Im afraid I may do something stupid and end it all. Im so afraid of myself right now cuz I dont even know myself at this point. She is the only person that knows me. Im just so unpredictable in every situation but with her. She clears my head and makes me see things for what they are. I cant give that up. How could I give up on something that makes me better?
Well i gotta go and smoke a cigarette. Yeah Im dumb. I started smoking again. It calms my nerves. I would quit if she came back though. Thats no lie...
Well later people,
~Corey
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| Ya learn something new everyday... |
| 11.10.04 (8:19 pm) [edit] |
Ash made some awesome points tonight when we talked. The reason we got so blahhy towards the end is we were bored. We acted like we were married. We were always so shy around eachother and harldy sexual at all. We were just so G rated. where is the fun in that? Sure I love her. I'll always love her but if we do fix this. We are gonna try I'm sure but if we do fix it things are gonna have to be more creative and interesting. I think I'm ready for that. I have never done things like that before but it's time to just lighten up and have alittle fun with my girl like I do with my crew. They know of my wild side but Ash only knows the G rated version of me. That dosent see too entertaining.
Besides the "sexlife" there are other issues that need to be touched on too. theres other people in the world that we are bound to think are hott. I think its important to be honest and hey even though that girls hott Ash knows I love her and shes the one I'm goin home to. As long as i know that too then everythings ok. I dunno why it took tonights convo to realize alla this. I'm glad we talked about it though. I have alot to think about now but for once thats a good thing.
She also told me that she wants me to have more self confidence and a higher self esteem. That I will try to work on. I think it would be better if I thought more highly of myself and cared more. As long as I have her though I have the strength to do anything. I know that I can do this. I have to do this not only to make her happy but it will make me happy too. I think its about time i look at myself in the mirror and say "i dont hate you" the mistakes I made are behind me now. I have to forgive myself and move on. Fuck the drugs. I dont wanna die. i only wanna be happy. Ashley makes me happy. she makes me see things that nobody else can make me see. I love that about her.
No were not back together...yet but hopefully we stick with working it out. It seems to be working ok. I hope so atleast. It would rock if things got better. We would have so much fun and be so happy. i know I would be. I just hope she wants the same in time.
Another thing,to those of you. (directed at one) cant understand that i love her and need her. DONT reply. I dont read or reply on yer blog and I expect that respect from you. I wont be an ass like you were but I dont care to hear your opinion so dont leave it. You have no idea what the fuck is going on. Nor do you care so just back off ok? Brandon,I know yer my bro. and all and I thank you for having my back but theres no need for any of that. Just back off and dont reply to my shit got it? good.
Now that thats all outta the way I'm gonna be off,
lata bitches!,
Corey :twisted:
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| I cant let her down..... |
| 11.09.04 (11:57 pm) [edit] |
Ashley when i talked to you earlier i have to admit that even though to you it couldve gona better it made me alittle happy. I cant do heroine hoping to God we'll be back together again. Look i found an old post of mine which can explain where i stand on drugs and "temptation"
"Sometimes I'll be at my all time low and she just makes me smile with no problems. Shes so awesome. I gotta stay off drugs so that I can be happy with her forever. I cant let those fuck us up. I wont be like my dad. I wont give up on life and my family. I wont let Ash down. I could never do that to her. Shes too sweet to me to fuck up. Shes the best thing that ever happend to me. I just keep telling myself that. It's all for Ash...and me I guess but moreso for us together. So that we can both be happy together. Heroine though it felt good to do at times has never made me feel the awesome feeling I get when I talk to Ash,or especially when I see her. So I guess I am addicted to her. I'm addicted to the feeling she gives me. I'm addicted to making her happy. I love it all so much. So here I stand still addicted to something...only that something has never let me down. I feel alittle better now. I think I'm gonna go eat something. "
See thats how I am. theres always something making me feel good. Drugs were there when i had nobody else. i dont want to turn into that again. Ash your smile,your touch,the way you told me you loved me and we would be happy together. Those things made me so happy. I finally found my something. I found the one thing that always made me better. You are th ekind of girl that i need Ash. You have made me better in so many ways. So maybe you're not "perfect" like I have said a few times but I dont want you to be. I just want you to be who you are. Thats the girl I fell for. The person you are just happens to be so sweet and everything I could ever want and need. Ashley nothings ever gonna change how much i love you. This is whats on my mind everyday. You want to know so here it all is. Theres more but in time i'm sure it'll all come out. i love you. I love you more than any drug out there.
~Corey
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Draw this darkness out like poison. Stab,retrieve,again decline. Help me drive the dagger deeper trace with me explicit line. Take this blade,a test of faith and strike me deep and true. I put all my trust in you...
This is my monkey! I shall name him Frank and he shall be mine!
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My love were meant to be like a raging fire that's burning free. My vision is blurry so I close my eyes and I see you here with me...
What else can I say? I love her.
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